So far the ups and down of this year are, well, a rollercoaster doesn’t cut it.
This year started out with me being at my wit’s, emotion’s, and general-ability-to-cope’s end at a horror of a job that was taking all of me to continue being. I left the job in question and began my journey of trying to climb out of the emotional hole that I had dug myself into. I tried therapy which lead to journaling and I decided to increase my hobbies while trying to improve myself- I picked up podcasts, some of which instruct self-help.
I opened up about my struggles to my boyfriend, while I was having my worst days at work and when they didn’t subside in the weeks after quitting. He opened up to me about some things on his end and we were both supportive and understanding of each other and we’ve grown a little stronger from it. I still struggle, but he’s more of a rock than I deserve and I’ve told him as much.
I got a new job and started training, and it was going well. Weird ups and downs in whether or not my coworkers liked me and whether or not I was catching on as quickly as I could. As the weeks went on I felt I was fitting in and the training was proving my abilities. I felt myself changing outside of work, too. A little more motivated to get out of bed each day, a little more spring in my step with each stride.
Then Cameron came to my work in the middle of the workday. He looked sad, in a pitying and empathetic kind of way. I knew he was going to tell me something I didn’t want to hear.
He took me into one of the quiet rooms at work and told me the bad news, that my dad had passed away. I was a wreck. My coworkers and boss were amazing as I left that day and in that followed. She even called 3/26, the day before my first day back, to tell me that they’re glad to have me back, to check in on how I was doing, and to let me know that if I need breaks during training or a minute to collect myself that it’s okay. I told her how grateful I am and that I know how lucky I am to have the support at work that I do and that I am more appreciative than she’ll know.
Four days of work in a row, feeling like I have my sea legs a bit but also still feeling blurry and wobbly here and there. I’m stressed, putting on blinders, and lash out when there’s an interruption. There aren’t many interruptions and it’s a lot of work, not hard but definitely time consuming. I regret some of my attitude at work.
I haven’t been sleeping well. I mean, I’ve been a terrible sleeper for a while but it’s been even worse these last few weeks. The lack of sleep is definitely affecting my mentality and attitude. I can’t fall asleep, takes me hours, and I end up playing catch-up on weekends, sleeping in as late as 11am and losing way to much of my day. I’ve made a doctor appointment in the hopes of helping with sleep and I’m finding a new therapist to help tackle some other things.
So here I am, checking in at the quartermark of the year. I was cracking, shattering, doing my best to hold myself together by the seems. I had begun mending the cracks, refilling that which had spilled from me. I had almost restored myself when a huge chunk of me was chipped away and taken. I’ll plaster. I’ll paint. I’ll never be the same, but I will make myself whole again.
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