Quarterly Check In

So far the ups and down of this year are, well, a rollercoaster doesn’t cut it.

This year started out with me being at my wit’s, emotion’s, and general-ability-to-cope’s end at a horror of a job that was taking all of me to continue being. I left the job in question and began my journey of trying to climb out of the emotional hole that I had dug myself into. I tried therapy which lead to journaling and I decided to increase my hobbies while trying to improve myself- I picked up podcasts, some of which instruct self-help.

I opened up about my struggles to my boyfriend, while I was having my worst days at work and when they didn’t subside in the weeks after quitting. He opened up to me about some things on his end and we were both supportive and understanding of each other and we’ve grown a little stronger from it. I still struggle, but he’s more of a rock than I deserve and I’ve told him as much.

I got a new job and started training, and it was going well. Weird ups and downs in whether or not my coworkers liked me and whether or not I was catching on as quickly as I could. As the weeks went on I felt I was fitting in and the training was proving my abilities. I felt myself changing outside of work, too. A little more motivated to get out of bed each day, a little more spring in my step with each stride.

Then Cameron came to my work in the middle of the workday. He looked sad, in a pitying and empathetic kind of way. I knew he was going to tell me something I didn’t want to hear.

He took me into one of the quiet rooms at work and told me the bad news, that my dad had passed away. I was a wreck. My coworkers and boss were amazing as I left that day and in that followed. She even called 3/26, the day before my first day back, to tell me that they’re glad to have me back, to check in on how I was doing, and to let me know that if I need breaks during training or a minute to collect myself that it’s okay. I told her how grateful I am and that I know how lucky I am to have the support at work that I do and that I am more appreciative than she’ll know.

Four days of work in a row, feeling like I have my sea legs a bit but also still feeling blurry and wobbly here and there. I’m stressed, putting on blinders, and lash out when there’s an interruption. There aren’t many interruptions and it’s a lot of work, not hard but definitely time consuming. I regret some of my attitude at work.

I haven’t been sleeping well. I mean, I’ve been a terrible sleeper for a while but it’s been even worse these last few weeks. The lack of sleep is definitely affecting my mentality and attitude. I can’t fall asleep, takes me hours, and I end up playing catch-up on weekends, sleeping in as late as 11am and losing way to much of my day. I’ve made a doctor appointment in the hopes of helping with sleep and I’m finding a new therapist to help tackle some other things.

So here I am, checking in at the quartermark of the year. I was cracking, shattering, doing my best to hold myself together by the seems. I had begun mending the cracks, refilling that which had spilled from me. I had almost restored myself when a huge chunk of me was chipped away and taken. I’ll plaster. I’ll paint. I’ll never be the same, but I will make myself whole again.

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Journaling Styles and Techniques

Alright, so I saw a therapist for the first time in at least a decade on the 27th of Feb. She told me to journal and suggested three formats; it’s been ____ days and I haven’t journaled yet. This is partly because of my crazy new work schedule and mostly because I’m simply not prioritizing the time to journal; also because I’m not sure how I feel about the styles she gave me and I have no idea what to write about.

Journaling Styles from my Therapist:

– Venting Journaling – Write down things down and then bring them to positivity. Write what is going terribly wrong and what I am doing to fix it, should do to fix it, options for fixing it, or deciding to let go and really truly let go. Also jot things that are going well and how to continue the positivity.
The problem with this style, for me, is that in the moments I go to journal, I don’t have anything to vent about. Nothing about my life, daily or otherwise,
sucks. Much of it that is good is just good on it’s own. I mean, solid job, happy home, loving and amazing partner. I’m not saying there’s nothing that isn’t perfect, and I’m not saying everything scores a ten out of ten, but I don’t have anything rant-worthy or rave-worthy that drove me to go see her (the therapist).
– Letter Writing – Write letters to people and DO NOT give them to them.
Who am I writing these letters to What about? Why would I write stuff to someone I can’t speak freely enough to, that I couldn’t just tell them to their face? I just don’t even know where to begin.
– Free Flow – Write anything, everything, that you’re thinking or feeling.
So, this one requires space and peace and concentration for me. A great time to do this would be when I’m trying to fall asleep and my mind won’t shut up. The problem is, if I sit up to write I’ll be up so much later than if I just focus on the sleep sounds and drift off. Before work I’m either at the gym or my boyfriend is running from the basement to our bedroom on the second floor getting ready for work. After work, I’m spending time with my boyfriend for an hour before we go to bed (I work late). This is somewhere between me not prioritizing, not timing it right, and not feeling up to creating the space this would be best approached in.

As you can see, there’s hints of me just not wanting to do this sprinkled in. I just don’t see the value in it.

There’s a million and one studies that say journaling helps all kinds of ails. From food journaling for weight loss to getting your feelings out in a cathartic and safe manner for anxiety, depression, and general stress. I can’t find anything that says it doesn’t work and yet, I don’t believe it does. I’ve tried it. I tried it as a child, as a teen, as a college young adult, and even two years ago when I got out here I tried it for a while. No results, nothing useful cam of it.

Journaling is great if you don’t have someone you can completely open up to. I have that.

Journaling is great if you have trouble identifying where an issue is stemming from. I don’t have that problem.

Journaling is great if you aren’t good at expressing yourself or your feelings. Again, not a problem for me.

So why am I paying a therapist if I’m just going to write it all out and figure it out for myself? Again, what is going in this journal that isn’t readily available for me to have already addressed or am already aware of and trying to work through in therapy?

Let’s be clear, I’m going to try. Really. Umpteenth time’s the charm.
I have the day off tomorrow and my boyfriend will be at work and I’ll do a journal entry and try to find inspiration, time, or a plan to journal Thursday before or after work. I think this really could end up being a lot of a placebo thing though- where since I don’t think it’ll work, it won’t work.

Since I’m going to try it, it’s probably worth looking in to other techniques, as I’m clearly not taking to the three the therapist proposed.

– List-Making Journaling- Exactly as it sounds, just make lists. Decide what to list and have at it. Or don’t decide, and just list. Then review the list and see if thoughts fully form or issues surface that can be addressed.
I am a list maker, a schedule keeper, a planner, and all the Type-A stereotypes. I might try this one. I think maybe a mix of venting and list-making is what will come from my journaling time.
– Art Journaling- The concept of switching from words to images and getting them down on paper in the form of doodles, drawings, comics, etc.
I do love to doodle. I even had started to try drawing people once and really enjoyed just practicing lines and curves and expressions.
– Dialogue Journaling- Write out a dialogue. It could be one that has happened, one that you wish happened, or completely made up. It could take place between people you know, yourself and yourself in different times of your life, or between completely fictional characters.
I could toy with this. Have my heart talk to my head, or relive conversations that surface from the depths of my memories.
– Tracking Journaling- Writing down your feelings as they happen and what triggered them. Then you can reflect, find a pattern, and deal with anything recurring.
This is something I have actually been considering after hearing about but not really taking to bullet journaling and knowing that revisiting things after they happen often has a different perception than I had in the moment.

There are many other processes of journaling, and platforms. At the end of the day, it’s about what’s feasible, what will get you to prioritize it, and making the effort to be in a safe place to reflect and create. Hopefully if you make these efforts, journaling will yield the results you’re looking for. I will keep you posted on my follow through to journal as well as if I feel it’s making a difference.

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