WWBC – Mood Shift

Each Wednesday, Long and Short Reviews hosts a weekly “blog hop”. For more details on how to participate including a full list of topics for the year, please click here.

This week’s prompt is “How I shake off a bad mood”.

I battle anxiety and depression, which is a unique animal and is different for everyone who experiences these. Largely, I manage these with meds that work very effectively. Sometimes I have a bout of severe depression or an anxiety attack. For me, if I’m having an anxiety attack, I take prescribed Xanax. For depression, I have to manage things in varying ways. In either case, I have a husband who supports me in these situations, and I’ve been dealing with things long enough that I know what I need.

When I have an anxiety attack, I need comfort and reassurance. I need comfy clothes, comfort food, and for Cameron to be near me. For depression, my needs vary. Sometimes I need the same things listed for anxiety, other times I need to be outside, or left alone, or or to be allowed to wallow and be unproductive, or force myself to be productive.

Outside of these extreme emotions, I approach my moods variably. For one thing, I don’t always realize I’m in a mood until Cameron says something. I also get hangry, so an easy fix is some food and water. I’m working on monitoring my inner-voice, so when I have a road-rage response in my mind, I try to talk myself out of it and find a reasonable excuse for their behavior. When I speak, I’m working on monitoring my phrasing and headspace before I do so, especially in case I’m in a mood. I work on identifying my feelings and reactions so that I can tell if I’m in a mood, and I try to let things go. I recommend The Happiness Project, which I plan to reread again in the near future even though I think I read it a couple of months ago.

I also work on preventing mood swings. My medications definitely have stabilized me more than I could have ever hoped. That being said, I’m still a human being and mood swings are normal. Exercising regularly, seeing friends, eating healthy-ish, and just general self-care and small indulgences have been improving my mood consistency.

What do you do when you’re in a funk, or to prevent getting into a mood in the first place?

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Bad Dreams and Terrible Sleep: a Vicious Cycle that WFH Does Not Help

My bad dreams cause me to have terrible sleep, the terrible sleep contributes to my daytime stress, and then I have bad dreams. You can see where this is going.

I’m not even sure my bad dreams are necessarily nightmares. WebMD says that “[n]ightmares are vividly realistic, disturbing dreams that rattle you awake from a deep sleep”. I don’t think they rattle me awake, I think they just disturb my sleep.

My dreams are almost all different settings with different people. The end result is me feeling alone, scared, lost, or in some form or other of an action movie that I am not prepared for. I have a high level of stress at the moment from a few things and it’s definitely flowing over into my dreams. Just last night I was lost in theme park. I went through the same “exits” over and over, instead ending up on another ride I didn’t want to be on or somehow moving through the park and looping right back to another exit I had already been through. As I saw the pattern repeating I began to run through the park, then things got very “action-film”-y. I was starting to be targeted at exits, I was power-sliding under rails, ducking to hide my face, and eventually escaped on a plane. I know it sounds fun, but I promise it was scary. First off, I get lost easily. Second, I am a nervous wreck while lost. The entire time in this dream my anxiety was in overdrive. I am waking up after the level of anxiety has made me sweat to the point of dehydration, after I have physically abused my SO in my sleep, and after my inner-spirit is curled in a ball screaming and crying.

This makes it so that when I read an email from a coworker who has been passive aggressive and the email can be read as passive aggressive, I get overly defensive or am ready to be on the offense and completely shut down. This only feeds my stress which, since I’m so great at stress management and amazing at conflict management both inwardly and in social and professional situations, means I hold that in my chest. I have never been great at “not bringing work home with me” and now that work is my home, that my desk is in my bedroom, I am not any better at it.

I will be addressing all aspects of this in therapy, by journaling, by meditating, and by talking to personal, professional, and all the in-between contacts that I have that can guide me to the right place.

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Turning 30 on Mother’s Day!

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Before I start this post about me and my mom and my birthday, I want to recognize that this day can bring all kinds of emotions.
I want to reach out to everyone who is having a rough time this mother’s day. If you can’t spend time with your mom because of COVID, if your mom has passed, if you don’t have a good relationship with your mom, please know that you are loved. If you are a mom and today is difficult because you can’t see your children, or your children have passed, or you want to be a mom and are having difficulties, please know that you are loved.
Mother’s Day is a reminder for many of us, and those memories and feelings may bring a mixture of emotions. You are not alone and you are loved. ❤

So every 6 years my birthday falls on Mother’s Day. I was born on a Thursday so it’s pretty cool timing that a milestone birthday is on Mother’s Day.

Both my birthday and my mom’s birthday are in May. Growing up as the only daughter in my family, my mom and I always had a girls’ day or a girls’ trip so quarantine has been pretty rough on us. I think there’s been, in these thirty years of my life, maybe three birthdays that I didn’t spend significant quality time with my mom.

I’m so excited that we’ve both been vaccinated and we get to spend time together safely.

^{(Yes, I know we can become carriers, and we aren’t doing anything to endanger others. We just both have items that can be potentially exacerbated to the point of extreme health risk should we have contracted COVID.)}

I am so glad we get to spend time together this year!

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My Spotify Favorites

I’ve used many different music membership sites and streaming. I don’t know that I prefer one from the other, I just happen to be using Spotify because our Amazon Echo Dot can communicate with it.
My Spotify profile name is Alexa- Not Echo and my username is 1227062964.

I follow some playlists and I have created my own. Here are my top five playlists in no particular order:

• You Can Call Me Al – Paul Simon by Alexa – Not Echo
• Punk N Stuff by Alexa – Not Echo
• Ain’t No Crying in the Club by abigail.timberlake-us
• Have a Great Day by Spotify
• Jammin by Alexa – Not Echo

It should be a surprise that my playlists are in my top five; of course I love my cultivated collection! Poke around and find some songs you may not have heard in a while, or ever. I hope you find energy, comfort, or whatever you seek from your listening experience.

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Self care ideas / How to unwind after a stressful day

Get Active: “Exercise in almost any form can act as a stress reliever. Being active can boost your feel-good endorphins and distract you from daily worries” – Mayo Clinic Staff
You don’t need to run 5 miles (unless you want to!), just hit the pavement and walk, jog, or run and get you blood flowing. You can also do an at-home workout, do some yoga, or even dance

Low-Key: “We need to give ourselves a break, and a little downtime works well for almost everybody. It doesn’t really matter what the activity or inactivity is. The idea is to give your body, mind, and heart a chance to relax and recharge. If you keep going at full speed every day, it can be really hard on you, both physically and mentally.” – Psychology Today
We’d all love an all expenses paid, all inclusive resort trip. For those of us that haven’t won that contest prize there are plenty of at home relaxation tools and techniques. Meditate, take deep breaths, count forward and backward slowly, review your positives for the day or what you are thankful for. You can also take a long shower, bath, read, stretch, needle mat, journal, doodle, or draw

Ingest: “When we’re stressed—whether it’s because we’re being chased by a mammoth or a fast-approaching project deadline—our body releases a group of hormones called glucocorticoids, whose job is to replenish the energy supply lost during the stressful encounter” – Eat This, Not That
Yes to: folate rich foods (spinach, avocado, lentils), fatty acids and omega 3s (salmon, nuts), vitamin C (whole fruits and veggies – not juice), vitamin D (eggs), aspalathin (rooibos tea), black tea, and dark chocolate
Avoid: refined sugar (ice cream, snack cakes), refined carbs (pretzels), high sodium (Chinese food, pretzels), bisphenol A (BPA) (canned and packaged food), phytic acid (soy) (soy milk, tofu), caffeine (coffee, soda)

Auditory: “Music can have a profound effect on both the emotions and the body. Faster music can make you feel more alert and concentrate better. Upbeat music can make you feel more optimistic and positive about life. A slower tempo can quiet your mind and relax your muscles, making you feel soothed while releasing the stress of the day. Music is effective for relaxation and stress management.” – University of Nevada, Reno
Listen to what makes you feel good. Explore, figure out what you like that also has relaxed you while you’re listen or when it’s over. Try different music, podcasts, and audiobooks.

Video Games: “[M]any people don’t realize the tangible benefits of video games. – [G]ames can help you with stress and improve mindfulness.” – Psychology Today
Audio, video, and brain usage all-in-one! Just like everything in this world, too much of a good thing can be bad so just keep tabs on your attitudes, etc. during and outside of gameplay.
Try active (FPS, MMO/RPG) or casual (Turn Based, Puzzle, or Simulation) games

Social: “Socialization also directly impacts our stress levels in multiple ways. First, socialization increases a hormone that decreases anxiety levels and make us feel more confident in our ability to cope with stressors. In addition, spending time with others directs our energy outward (rather than inward).” MentalHelp.net
“Pets have a lot of therapeutic traits. – They lower stress hormones – [, c]an bring down blood pressure – [, and l]et you step outside of your own problems.” – Explore Health
Social butterfly or introvert, socializing can help. Take some time call or video chat with a friend or family member, or spend some time with your fur/feather/scaled-baby.

Clean: “Cleaning [a]lleviates [s]tress” “[T]he act of cleaning your house can be a stress management technique in itself.” “-[C]lutter can be stressful.” “The act of cleaning, if done right, can bring the added benefit of getting you a little extra exercise, which can be great for relieving stress.’ – Very Well Mind
Tidying, organizing, and minimizing can all be fulfilling, cathartic, and create a more calming home.

Stress is always present, and many of us have added stress with everything going on.
I hope the above tips help you relax in the moment and calms your stress on a regular basis.

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200 Days of Quarantine

Remember when we were starting posts with “Day #_ of quarantine” and we were baking things, planting things, and crafting things? It’s day 200. We’re tired, we miss our friends, parents and teachers have it rough; holla to the parents who are teachers.

I have three jobs. Two part time jobs and one admin-on-the-side job. I am somewhere between anxious and bored and lazy and stir-crazy pretty much all of the time.

I thought we were doing better, staying safe. We’re not. At least here, in Colorado, our numbers are rising again and our loosened restrictions are being retightened. Halloween parties are being cancelled, which isn’t so terrible. I am not going to be able to see my family for the holidays. We’re not traveling, not to my family or to his; it’s not safe. Neither of us work remotely, Colorado numbers are climbing, and people on both sides of our nuclear family are high-risk if they get COVID. We also live where we would need to fly in order to visit and airports are the risky part of travel, not so much the planes, but with Colorado having climbing numbers and many of the airports we would fly in to not being safe, there’s a lot of risk.
It’s too much risk.
It’s too much.

200 days. We’ve been in quarantine for 200 days, and it seems likely to be 200 more before vaccines are out, before families can fly to see each other, before it’s safe to hug a friend.

In this moment, I’ve been given some advice. My friend Olivia says to find 5 things, they don’t have to be big things, to be grateful for:
I am grateful for our healthcare workers; from doctors, nurses, CNAs, EMTs, and all of our clinical professionals to custodial, food service, and administrative professionals and everyone keeping healthcare going.
I am grateful for my fiancé, for our pet-babies, and for our home.
I am grateful that we have an income, a roof over our head, food for our family, and a warm bed.
I am grateful for the technology that is keeping me in touch with my family. I get to have video calls with my family, to send pictures and memes and texts to my friends, to share my thoughts and feeling here, and to read about how you are doing as well.
I am grateful for hope. Hope that vaccines are on the horizon. Hope that this is not, will not forever be, our “new normal”. Hope for hope’s sake.

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I took, and am continuing to take, September off

COVID is a lot, I know you all get it so I’m not delving in to it.
Plus everything going on in America between the presidential campaigns, general politics, politics and general unrest of race issues (which is important and should be happening), and on and on. I, as we all do, am having individual stresses.

I’ve had a lot of stress from one job that I was doing full time hours at; always drama which is so draining even if you don’t get sucked in.
On top of that was a brutal schedule. I worked 5-6 days out of a 7-day week, so any 5 days from Sunday to Saturday. There was zero consistency in my schedule and I often worked Fri-Mon and/or 6 days in a row. I, personally, do better with a routine so this alone effected my sleep, sanity, and exercise.
The hours I worked, customarily, were noon to eight thirty PM. Those hours messed up my sleep. I’m much better as an early riser and getting off of work at at that hour didn’t give me the time I need to get a good night’s sleep. It would be early enough that I’d want to get things done around the house or do something for myself, but it was also too late for me to be getting energized. Plus, I’m on MST and my family is on EST. During the weekdays I couldn’t call until I was off of work, as at noon MST they are at work themselves, and by the time I got off it was past ten PM EST and wasn’t a good hour to call. Weekends, which I mentioned working almost every weekend day out of a month, still only gave me from when I could wake up to about two PM EST which really isn’t a great time frame or enough time.

I started a new job yesterday which I’m so excited about! I will start at part time hours, supplementing income with my other job, and as the location grows my hours will increase.
I am working on creating a more consistent schedule with better hours. Everyone at my new job has been super chill and nice and I’m really optimistic about my future there.

Previous weeks taken were due to last of muster. This upcoming week (or so) will be to make a new work schedule for myself, to acclimate to my new job, and to get a home-life schedule going as well.

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Quarterly Check In

I’ve been binging TV, like I’m sure most of us are. I ran once, it went pretty well. I miss going out and socializing. I feel like this would happen regardless of COVID since two of my few friends here moved out of state. I’ve been working remotely.

We moved to a new apartment, it’s cute. There’s some decorative/exposed wooden beams and the floor is sealed concrete (dark brown). The animals are all happy. We reconfigured the guinea pig cage so instead of a 5×5 with a separator in the middle they each have their own 3×3. Max (sun conure) is really enjoying the balcony. The complex has a parking garage, a pool, and a gym; we haven’t been to the pool or the gym, yet.

One of the shows I watched was Ugly Betty and she had such a passion for writing and knew what her goal was and she got there so fast and it was because she “followed her bliss” and I just feel like I don’t know what I want to be. I like my job, my goals are so far away (time wise) and I wonder if I am out of place. Watching that and the Bold Type and these shows with twenty something year olds doing exactly what they wanted to and reaching goals so early in life, it’s beautiful and hopeful and unrealistic and depressing. I know that at 29 it’s okay to still be working up the ladder, no one is CEO at thirty unless (okay, maybe someone but that’s not normal). I know I’m okay, I just wonder if there’s more right now.

Betty also starts a blog, gets an award for her blog, has super fans, and while we don’t know what she blogs about she seems to be really passionate about whatever it is she’s covering. I feel like I write what I’m feeling, not fueling feelings by writing; not chasing a passion and writing about whatever that is.

I feel like I’m doing everything right, and I’m happy, I just also feel like something is missing. I love my fiance, I love my pets, I love my home. I have a job that I like with coworkers that I mostly like. I don’t have a passion, though. Should I? Do most people? How many is “most”? What are they passionate about? How do you find your passion?

I know, I’m sure, that a large potion of the tiny hole that I feel is due to just being locked up due to COVID. I definitely need to run more, and write more, and drink more water.

Anywho, that’s my check in, hope everything in your life is going well.

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COVID Crazies and Coping

Look, we’re all feeling the same things, I’m not gonna bring that all up just to bring us all down.

Here’s what I’m doing:

• Podcasts while I work
  I use Pocket Casts web player and app
  • The Happiness Lab with Dr. Laurie Santos
  • Unlocking Us by Brené Brown
  • Fierce by Joe Piazza via iHeartRadio and Tribeca Studios
  • Stuff You Should Know by Josh and Chuck via iHeartRadio
• Taking Mindfulness breaks
  • 1 minute every, well, whenever I remember so usually every 4 hours or so, I take 3-5 reps of 5-9 second count breaths in and out. I have had days where my day was fine, I just ramped up in how busy I was that I was a frog in hot water:
    The boiling frog is a fable describing a frog being slowly boiled alive. The premise is that if a frog is put suddenly into boiling water, it will jump out, but if the frog is put in tepid water which is then brought to a boil slowly, it will not perceive the danger and will be cooked to death.
    • Cameron came down and I was so disoriented that I, something I have been working on and is taking work and I am still far from even good at, recognized that my head was not on straight and I said, “I need some grounding”. It came out, like word vomit. I don’t even think either of us knew what I meant but then I said, “can we just look at each other and do some breathing” and he suggested, and we did, 3 reps of 7 seconds.
  • I also sometimes use the podcasts as a pause. I build a playlist that will last an hour or two and when it’s up I get a tine break in the form of building a new playlist. It usually only takes a few seconds wince I listen to longer podcast episodes but it’s still a break from work
• Cutting myself some slack
  • No, not all of my laundry is put away
  • No, I am never caught up on dishes
  • No, I have not been hitting my exercise goals
  • And ALL of that is OKAY
• Costco take-and-bake meals
  Because grocery shopping for all the things to season, etc., is more time than I want to spend in a store full of people
  Also, because I’m lazy, it’s money-smart, and so super yummy
  • Salmon, feeds 4-5, $20-$25, with dill and some fancy aioli butter
  • Chicken Tacos, feed 3-4, $20, just warm the chicken and it’s got all the fixins
  • Korean bibimbap, feeds 4, $20, cook stove-top and serve over rice
• Candles.

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COVID19 and Me

Sorry I haven’t posted. I work in healthcare administration and am considered “essential staff”. We were short staffed so I worked six twelve hour shifts in a row, then I slept for two days.

Then Cameron and I both got “remote” orders and our desks were right next to each other (for gaming) but he’s in accounting and I take a lot of phone calls, and I’m loud so we had to reconfigure. We’re also super behind on chores and I’m starting to get some mean world syndrome and stir crazy and a whole bunch of other things that I know I’m not alone in.

But I am. I am alone. I miss my friends and going out. I was supposed to visit my mom and that was cancelled.

There’s so much uncertainty and it’s just a lot.

I’m lucky, because I’m in healthcare so I’m still working, but I’m worried for those who aren’t. I’m worried for the world’s economy, for U.S. economy, and for how long all of this might last.

I have hope that it will all be okay in the end, I just wish I knew when the end might be.

*If you enjoyed any part of this post, please consider liking it. If you loved it, please consider following me on WordPress. I also love comments including questions, advice, or a review of the post itself. Thank you for reading and best of luck in your adventures.*